


The Hazards of Love

by Sourcherrymagiks



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Fix-It, Hysterical Bonding, I don’t like pain, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Truck Sex, but all their bonding is kinda hysterical, happier ending, so it’s practically canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:21:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22974697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourcherrymagiks/pseuds/Sourcherrymagiks
Summary: Follows on directly from ‘only ever kissed before’ which is excellent but broke my tender heart. So I fixed it in as much as I could.It has all gone very wrong. As wrong as it possibly could. But perhaps, under all of the pain and hurt, there could be something waiting to be said. Perhaps it’s time to stop waiting
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 16
Kudos: 97





	The Hazards of Love

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Only Ever Kissed Before](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22949245) by [bucketmouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucketmouse/pseuds/bucketmouse). 



> [The Hazards of Love - The Decembrists](https://open.spotify.com/track/2bSba8w4Wj6kpRb7tEdUi6?si=unmOp98eS-qVfJiWHtBy4A)

**Simon**

He’s been gone too long. I can’t find him, I can’t feel him. Everything inside me is twisted and raw and angry. 

I’ve lost him. 

I’ve lost everything.

I get back to the hotel room and collapse to my knees just inside the door. Penny is on me in a second but she’s not brave enough to touch me. No one is anymore. I wrapped myself in barbed wire and anger. I hurt everyone that came within my reach and now I’ve lost him.

The sob feels like it starts in my toes before it bubbles up into my mouth.

“He’s gone, I can’t, Penny, I can’t have lost him“

It feels like a black hole opens in my chest. I realise exactly what I’ve just said and exactly what it means and exactly what I’m really worried about.

I don’t think the vampires have killed him. I think I’ve lost him more irretrievably than that. Who could blame him? 

I can’t. 

I should have let him go anyway. 

I should have let him find happiness. 

Find out where he needed to be. Find out who he was when he wasn’t trapped in my shadow and forced to play a role. 

But I’m going to pay for all my selfishness now. I’m going to keep paying for it. Because it’s exactly what I deserve. 

Too cowardly to tell him I love him. Too weak to let him love me. All that wasted love just dying between us. 

The grief of it hits me wave after wave after wave. 

I’m not crying. I’m cold and empty.

I just need to finish it properly. I need to kiss him and go. 

That’s how I make this right.

I don’t know how and I don’t think I just call his name from deep inside me where it’s engraved on my heart.

**Baz**

The pull starts just below my ribs. It feels like the crucible. Fuck.

It feels like the crucible. 

It feels like Simon.

Simon.

What have I done? Simon.

I practically jump out of the bed ignoring Lambs muttered protestations and throw my clothes on. I’ve barely started buttoning my shirt when the pull becomes a pain and the room starts shimmering. I have a second to see the twist of disgust chased by curiosity in Lamb’s face as he spits “Mage” at me. It’s not a question. It hardly matters. The world ’pops’

The truck bed is cold and hard and how in Merlin's name is this even possible? There are far too many variables to process here and only one that makes any sense. 

Only Simon could do this.

He’s crouched in the corner next to the cab, shaking with dry sobs, whispering my name like a spell or a prayer or a curse. 

“How?”

He looks at me like he doesn’t believe in me, then like he doesn’t believe in anything. 

He looks hollow. 

For months I’ve watched him fade into a sketch of his former self but, this, this is worse. There is almost nothing here I recognise. 

“Simon how?”

It’s nothing. There are too many words between us. It’s too enormous now, the weight of the disappointment, the betrayal, the unsaid. It’s dark and brooding and alive, the sea that separates us.

All that’s left is triviality.

He swallows and bites down a stammer (it twists another painful dart inside me)

“I called you, I brought you here.” His voice is flat and toneless. I’ve broken him. 

I don’t doubt at this point that he knows everything. Somehow he knew before I did that this was how the story was going to go. 

“But how, Snow?” Might as well continue with the banal. Although the answer is likely to be anything but. If only I’d considered that destroying him would be the solution. That scorching his soul would bring his magic back. After all that is what I was destined to do. Perhaps not quite like this. But.

"It’s different but, yes, magic, my magic.”

A little tiny bit of light glints of the edges of the words. A spark of good lights up somewhere in my chest. Simon Snow is magical again. 

All it took was a horrible act of betrayal. 

The tears roll down my face as the enormity of my crime hits me. Now I’m here I can see the stupidity of it. Lamb wanted me, in that moment I wanted him. I wanted to feel wanted, desirable. But he didn’t even know me. He wanted a twenty year old clueless vampire boy. Not a fucked up half breed with anxiety. 

Illusions, deceptions, mirages.

Simon might not always know what he wants but he knows me. All of me. Rat drinking, spiteful, uptight me. And sometimes he’s willing to fight everything in his head and then fight everything in mine to touch me. 

The pain and hate and vileness of it all spill out in a wordless apology of a sob. 

Then he’s there, holding me against all odds, against all sense, with all the courage of a beautiful brave idiot.

**Simon**

I watch it all cross his face. I knew inside what had happened but even if I hadn’t this look would have told me. 

He’s raw and hurt. 

I want to tell him it’s my fault. I want to tell him I love him still, that we can get there if he trusts me. That I will trust him. 

In spite of it all.

I don’t know if I even believe any of it.

Maybe he would be happier without me but he doesn’t look happy.

The fog of everything between us is stealing the few words I could squeeze out. Silence is adding to the silence. His practical questions help. The admission of magic helps. Then holding him helps.

Holding him. It helps.

“Baz, love, don’t cry, s’my fault love. I should have let you go, I’ll let you go, but you need to know”

He turns his face up to mine and it’s full of feelings. I’m numb. Why are we never in the same place at the same time? This would all be so much easier if not for the words and the feelings and why is it so fucking hard? 

I’m about to speak when I realise that I’m pushing. 

Shit. 

**Baz**

It’s his fault, what the fuck have I done? I’m about to set myself on fire just to end this awful nightmare when I feel myself open. It’s warm and light and inside me. So familiar and so comforting.

“Snow, you.”

“Sorry,I.” 

“No please, stay.”

He does. Just lets his magic pulse. It’s feels so much more, I feel so much more. 

"I know you missed my magic, I wasn’t enough without it, for you. But now I have it back you can’t stay with me because of it. You have to go and find what you actually need”

“No Simon, no, don’t do this. It’s not your magic that wasn’t the problem , I missed you but it wasn’t the magic."

“Sex?”

“Not even that but, more than that, you, you fighting me and touching me and trying to annoy me, you were so alive and then...."

“I didn’t know, I don’t know anything, until I did."

He looks crushed. Worse than the worst sofa day. Like he has finished with all this mess. Like it’s the end of his story. 

I do the only thing I can. The only answer we ever have for each other.

**Simon**

I hear what he’s saying and some soft warm place inside of me turns to honey and syrup. But it’s not warm enough to catch fire. 

I about to let him go and disappear. I am about done.

Then he kisses me.

**Baz**

I need him to change tack. I need him to fight. For this, for us, with me, with himself.

I need him to come back, to wake up.

I need him.

**Simon**

Is this how Baz kisses when he’s the one in charge? Like everything matters, like he’s going to take everything apart and put it all back together?

I feel like I’ve never known Baz Pitch before this moment.

**Baz**

His mouth is hot and he’s letting me kiss him. He’s following my lead.

I’m kissing Simon Snow.

Simon Snow is letting me kiss him.

Because he’s sad. No, because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Not that either. Because he’s my boyfriend (is that even true anymore?)

No. Because I love him. Because, it’s just possible, he might love me too. 

**Simon**

I feel all of the feelings he’s trying to push into me, all of the things he wants me to know and suddenly I’m not so scared of them. 

I’m kissing Baz and it feels like the answer.

**Baz**

I’m never letting him go. It’s entirely possible we might freeze to death in the back of a ridiculous pick up truck in a parking lot in the worst city in America. The newspapers back home with eternally associate my name with death while dogging (inaccurate but that’s the Mail for you).

But here I’ve got him. Under my hands, not off lying on some sofa, drinking himself to death.

I’m not letting him go until he believes everything I’ve ever told him (well everything that I meant. I don’t actually want him to believe that cabbages are more skilled with spells or that he eats like a baboon with toothache).

**Simon**

“I love you Simon. I’m sorry I didn’t make you believe it before and that I’ve fucked everything up and that I’m a disaster. But I love you.”

Each word drops into my heart like fire and catches.

**Baz**

I see him believe. I see him want to. Like he’s on my side, like he’s rooting for me.

"I-I’m pretty sure, I mean I think I might, I think I love you too and I’m the disaster who has fucked everything up.”

I don’t know how I don’t explode. I do kiss him. Hard and deep and taking what I want from him. He lets me, welcomes me, gives it all back just as hard. 

**Simon**

There’s a voice in the back of my head telling me that now is not the time. That it’s just a reaction to betrayal, you know, therapist stuff. But if we wait until there is nothing to forgive or there’s not any peril or we are both stable I think I’ll be a virgin forever. 

And it turns out I want to. I want what Lamb had . I want to wipe him from Baz’s skin, from his mind. I want what’s mine. 

Fortunately he wants to give it to me. Right now it seems.

**Baz**

I shouldn’t do this. It’s too soon, too tragic, too many feelings that are too confused. But Simon Snow is grinding into me, letting me grind into him, growling my name and, astonishingly, whispering how much he loves me. 

He loves me.

He loves me.

**Simon**

The last sensible thought I have is to remind Baz that I have no control over my magic so he needs to give us privacy and comfort (and lube). 

He does with some grumbling as I slide out of his lap and sit in front of him with my legs crossed. He shifts onto his knees and sits back on his feet. 

His muttering stops immediately when I take my shirt off and start on his buttons. I need to show him I mean it. That it’s not just a middle-of-the-night, middle-of-the-desert exception. That I’ve wanted this but I haven’t known how to want to it. How to let the want out without letting the hurt in. 

Doesn’t matter now. The hurt fucking hurt and I lived. The hurt will happen anyway. But he wants to be there. He wants too. 

The truck bed softens and the air around it shimmers. I blush a bit when I reach his waistband and brush his cock (fuuccckkk) with the side of my hand. My eyes flick up to his and I find a look so hot that I melt into it. His pupils are blown, mouth hanging open as he probes his lip with his tongue. 

“Baz” I’m a bit squeaky and breathless. He doesn’t seem to care. 

**Baz**

Simon Snow just took his shirt off in front of me like he wanted me to look. Then unbuttoned my shirt like he wanted to look. Now he’s staring at me like he’s going to go off and I have no idea what to do. 

I can’t do this now, here, while I still smell of someone else. I think he’s trying to erase the earlier part of this insane evening and I know that it cannot be right. But I can’t deny him anything. 

I reach for the button on my jeans and watch him swallow and nod.

There is no easy or elegant way to get out of tailored jeans in a bouncy pick up truck. I laugh in spite of everything and he laughs too, slumping into me with the force of his giggles. It’s starting to feel like a first time. Like our first time. Like we are two normal fools in love. Although two normal fools would very much be arrested for this. 

I tug at his jeans after getting my own off and I’m frankly fucking thrilled to find that he’s naked underneath. His cock is gorgeous. Flushed and hot against his soft stomach. It’s bigger than Lamb’s, a little less thick and a little longer. It makes me drool. Good to know that I was definitely not in the least mistaken about my sexuality. I wonder for a minute how Simon is going to react to seeing me. To the reality that he is about to do these things with a man. Cock and all. My doubts vanish under the hot, wet pressure of his mouth as he swallows my cock down.

**Simon**

I don’t know what the etiquette is for these things. It’s probably something people just know like all of the other rules I don’t understand about the world in general. But I want to and so I do.

It’s soft and hard in my mouth at the same time. I have no idea what I’m doing so I suck and lick and press with my tongue. When he makes a noise I like, I do that thing again. I can’t get it all in my mouth so I put my hand around the base and stroke in time with my mouth moving up and down his shaft. He bucks into me and grabs my hair and then holds himself back a bit then does it all again. 

His thigh under my hand goes suddenly tense 

“Simon, fuck, I’m close”

I lick his slit hard and my mouth fills with come.

I stoke him though each shudder, sucking until my mouth hurts. 

I guess I’m fairly gay at this point. The thought had crossed my mind that I might not like it, you know, all this. I do. 

**Baz**

I’m shuddering and shaking, trembling and tensing. I. He. That. 

I want to but I don’t know if I’m allowed to and the he lays down and pulls me on top of him. Which clarifies matters somewhat. Unexpectedly too. 

“Simon, are you sure? It’s not, maybe we should talk about this”

“No, I definitely do not want to talk. I want you to kiss me until you have recovered. Then I want you to fuck me. Even if this is it, even if it doesn’t work, even if we can’t, (he sobs and then carries on like the courageous fucking disaster he is) I want it. I want you to have been mine now”

I almost can’t speak. Like there are shards of glass around my heart.

“I’m yours always. I love you. It was....”

"No, kiss me”

I do because I’m weak and he’s demanding and I love him and he loves me and I made a horrible mistake and he hurt me and somehow we have to get through all of that together. 

He shakes as I touch him, trembles under my kisses, makes so much noise I think he’ll break my concealment spell. His skin is smooth except for the amazing cross hatches of scars and the wings and the tail and all of the beautiful chaos that comes with Simon. I trace between moles, kissing him all the time, then trailing down to kiss his neck and chest and stomach and cock and thigh and I cannot believe what I’m about to do. 

**Simon**

I can’t believe what he’s about to do. He is going to. He really is. 

He nudges at my legs and the folds them up into my chest. He definitely is going to do this and he better fucking hurry up about it or I’m going to slam my arse into his face for a bit of relief. That’s definitely not good manners. 

When his hands spread me apart I’m about ready to yell. His tongue finds my hole and the yell turns into a moan. It’s hot and wet and soft and so fucking hot. I hate myself for not having spent the last two years doing this all day every day. He presses in hard then sucks then circles then nudges inside. Each movement makes me scream, it’s like all of the best ways to burn. 

“Baz, please more please more Baz- nggggh- more”

When he slides his finger into me I think I’ve died. Manners be fucked. I can’t stop my hips from rolling, can’t stop grabbing his hair, can’t stop begging for it. 

He moves his finger round inside me occasionally grazing a bit that makes me turn into static, buzzing all over. I want that but I also want more. I’m about to beg more specifically when he puts the second finger in and I explode with moans and shakes and fire so much fire. 

**Baz**

Simon is a mess. I don’t even think I’m doing it right. I think I get it right occasionally, by accident because he tenses and shivers around me, but it’s hard to think about anything while he practically fucking himself on my fingers and begging for more of anything.

When I put the third finger in he gives a sigh of contentment that makes my cock ache. I know this is a bad idea that is only going to cause trouble but we are in the middle of a trouble causing bad idea of a trip in the middle of a life full of trouble causing bad ideas. This, at least, feels right.

“Simon, I’m going to try to now”

“Don’t fucking try, fucking do it” he pants back at me in full stroppy brat mode. 

It takes me a minute to unwrap the condom and lube myself up. He’s cursing and groaning the whole time in a very distracting way. We both exhale as I rub the tip of my cock up and down the cleft of his arse. 

“Ready?”

He growls at me.

Then I push in. Just a little at first. I mean to go slow and be gentle but I haven’t accounted for Simon. The greedy nightmare rolls his hips and takes me all the way in, grabbing my arse as soon as he can reach it properly. 

I quirk an eyebrow at him in disapproval but this just provokes him into rolling his hips again and again. I catch his tempo and thrust inside him in pace with it. It’s perfect. It’s all fucking perfect. 

Simon is Simon again right now. Playful and wicked, certain and reckless. Simon. And he’s pulling me into a kiss while I’m inside him and it is everything and more than everything. 

**Simon**

It’s too much and not enough and I want it to last forever but I need to come right now and I’m so angry and so in love. 

He reaches between us to stroke my cock and that’s it for me. The world shatters into a million shards, bright and hard and amazing. 

**Baz**

I don’t think I’ve got it in me to come again until he does. Then I’m following right after, like always, responding to each wave of pleasure that rips through him. Shuddering as it rips through me. 

Finally I feel like maybe we’ve solved something. Even though this is probably just a new problem.

But it feels like a problem we could solve. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t come at me for the hysterical bonding. It’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes you don’t know what you need until you fuck everything up or until the stakes are raised much higher.


End file.
